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1. |
That Was the Christmas
03:02
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That was the Christmas I'll never forget
That was the Christmas the one when you left
That was the Christmas, That was the Christmas
The year that I presumed your death
Chorus:
Everyone else has jingle bells
Holiday cheer and Happy New Year
All I have is a life of hell and
to wonder what's happening here
Every Christmas we think of your crime
Every Christmas you should've done time
Every Christmas, Every Christmas
We wonder as we sip mulled wine
Chorus
Every Christmas you're a fugitive
Every Christmas no more gifts
Every Christmas, Every Christmas
Tell me was it worth the risk
Chorus
Bridge:
Charges of embezzlement
pulled the rug from under me - ee
A suicide note you wrote
just so you could run around free-ee
This is the Christmas - traffic violation
This is the Christmas - false registration
This is the Christmas, This is the Christmas
That led to your incarceration
CHorus
This is the Christmas I'll never forget
This is the Christmas, The worst one yet
This is the Christmas, This is the Christmas
The year that you faked your death
Chorus
This is the Christmas I'll never forget
This is the Christmas I learned with regret
This is the Christmas, This is the Christmas
You lied and stole and faked your death
Chorus/Outro:
Everyone else has jingle bells
Holiday cheer and Happy New Year
All I have is a life of hell and
to wonder what's happening here
All I have is "what the hell happened here?"
All I have is "what the hell happened, dear?"
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2. |
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I said, "My you have a pretty Christmas tree.
How can you afford it in this economy?"
She said "Honey, you know I love luxury
Won't you take a holiday tip from me.
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
Senior citizens are deaf and blind
If I take one of theirs, I'm sure they won't mind
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
Christmas tree sales on the city block
Late at night there's no chain or lock
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
Balsam, Douglass Fir and Scottish Pine
They smell so good I want to make them mine
Tinsel, baubles and bells that chime
Sparkle so much brighter when I don't spend a dime
Apartment lobby is decked with flair
I can help myself, I'm sure they don't care
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
Trees along the highway, flocked with snow
If I cut one down, no one will know
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
How much more lovely is my Christmas tree,
When I find a way to get it home completely free
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3. |
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I love to get those Christmas cards
with an image of the holy night
Or a starry sky with Santa
on his magic flight
but nothing pleases me better
than a good old fashioned form letter
I wanna hear 'bout your summer vacation
and details of the kids' education
without your news you'd sure be missed
So keep me on your mailing list
I love to get those Christmas cards
with a sparkling winter scene
or a snowy candle lit home
draped in holiday Greens
but nothing pleases me better.
than a good old fashioned form letter
I wanna hear ‘bout the family additions
and updates on your medical conditions
without your news you'd sure be missed
So keep me on your mailing list
I love to get those Christmas cards
with pictures of Santa Claus
and furry little animals
with mittens on their paws
but nothing pleases me better.
than a good old fashioned form letter
I wanna hear ‘bout your winning at the county fair
All the weddings, births and deaths this year
without your news you'd sure be missed
So keep me on your mailing list
Yes keep me on your mailing list
Please, please keep me on your mailing list!
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4. |
Grandma's Fruitcake
01:49
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Every year around Christmas time
Grandma gets out the orange rind
Candied cherries and walnuts, too
and makes a big fruitcake for me and you
Grandma's got a secret recipe
She puts in things you don't want to see
Sitting on the table, it looks all right
But no one dares to take a bit
Fruitcake at Christmas time
No, thanks, you can have mine
Fruitcake at Christmas time
No, thanks, you can have mine
She adds currents and spice and everything nice
But I won't try it at any price
She adds fish, snails and oxen tails
It weighs a ton and it's hard as nails
Fruitcake at Christmas time
No, thanks, you can have mine
Fruitcake at Christmas time
No, thanks, you can have mine
Season's over and the cake's still whole
She wraps it up and I carry it home
"Grandma's fruitcake," is all I say
And don't you know, I can't give it away!
Fruitcake at Christmas time
No, thanks, you can have mine
Fruitcake at Christmas time
Fruitcake, you can have mine
Fruitcake, Fruitcake
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5. |
Regifting Song
02:25
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Gonna open my Christmas Presents
Fully of nostalgia and remembrance
Yes on this Christmas Eve
I prefer to give than receive
Look, it’s a funny sweater
Just right for the frosty weather
Gee, I wish it fit me better
I’m gonna set it aside
Here’s a bag, it’s awfully handy
Inside there’s a quart of brandy
Too sweet and it tastes like candy
I’m gonna set it aside
So much joy on Christmas Day
Twice the pleasure, I have to say
First to get then to give it away
Regifting can’t be denied.
A tiny box, what could it be?
Gift card to a store in the city
It’s too far from my vicinity
I’m gonna set it aside
This box is as pretty as a picture
It contains a hand held mixer
I just got one from my sister
I’m gonna set it aside
It’s not my size, not my style
Got a great big re-gift pile
I won’t be shopping for a while
Another perfect Yuletide
So much joy on Christmas Day
Twice the pleasure, I have to say
First to get then to give it away
Regifting can’t be denied
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6. |
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Baby Jesus spent the night at our place
We stole him from the village green
We picked him up without a trace
I don’t think that we were seen
Hush, hush baby
Don’t let the neighbors near
Hush, Hush baby
No one needs to know you’re here
Baby Jesus spent the night in our manger
Peaceful in his porcelain sleep
There was never any danger
We never even heard a beep
Hush, hush baby
Don’t let the neighbors near
Hush, Hush baby
No one needs to know you’re here
Baby Jesus spent the night at our house
‘til cops came and took him back
GPS device in swaddling clothes
Made it easy for them to track
Hush, hush baby
Don’t let the neighbors near
Hush, Hush baby
No one needs to know you’re here
Baby Jesus was taken to the station
Somehow it doesn’t seem right
We were given a citation
So much for our holy night
Hush, hush baby
Don’t let the neighbors near
Hush, Hush baby
No one needs to know you’re here
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7. |
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Here’s to you! A Christmas tradition
Slamming back egg nog in the break room kitchen
This year I’ll beat my personal best
At the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
I gotta say, it’s my favorite sport
I sit right down by my creamy quart
This year I’ll beat my personal best
In the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
Twenty seconds to my victory
I can’t stand and I can’t breathe
This year I’ll beat my personal best
At the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
It’s no fun to celebrate
You drink too fast and you aspirate
This year I’ll beat my personal best
At the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
Christmas Eve feeling idiotic
Hospital stay and antibiotics
This year I’ll beat my personal best
At the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
Christmas Eve feeling idiotic
Hospital stay and antibiotics
This year I’ll beat my personal best
At the Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
The Yuletide, egg nog chugging contest
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8. |
Christmas Lawn Display
02:18
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Every year around Thanksgiving Day
I start to set up my lawn display
Eight little reindeer and Santa’s sleigh
Three kings and a manger with hay
Come check out my lawn display
But don’t you take a thing away
Each year I add something new
This year I’ve got a watch dog, too.
I build a tiny village for my choo choo trains
And line the sidewalk with candy canes
Happy snowmen walking down the lane
I’ve got a penguin on my weather vane
Come check out my lawn display
But don’t you take a thing away
Each year I add something new
This year I’ve got video surveillance, too.
In my yard there’s a carousel
On each tree branch hangs a silver bell
There’s Santa’s workshop with tiny elves
And giant letters that spell Noel
Come check out my lawn display
But don’t you take a thing away
Each year I add something new
This year I’ve got GPS tracking, too.
I’ve got a life sized nativity scene
Strung with lights in red and green
Topped with the star of Bethlehem
Surrounded by little gingerbread men
Come check out my lawn display
But don’t you take a thing away
Each year I add something new
This year I’ve got my eye on you!
Each year I add something new
This year I’ve got my eye on you!
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9. |
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Christmas Trees, So Many Christmas Trees
Mom and Dad always had a Christmas Tree
In the living room for all to see
It’s awfully bright – it’s my vision
I carry on the family tradition
I’ve got Christmas trees of all descriptions
In the living room and in the kitchen
In the bathroom and in the hall
It takes a month to trim them all
In my house I’ve got 85 trees
Constant temperature of 85 degrees
Everywhere you look is shiny and bright
Come on in and see my Christmas lights
Big ones, small ones, they’re everywhere
In the basement and on the stair
In the den and in the attic
What can I say, I’m a Christmas fanatic
In my house I’ve got 85 trees
Constant temperature of 85 degrees
Everywhere you look is shiny and bright
Come on in and see my Christmas lights
Some people say that I’m crazy
It’s just my Christmas frenzy
It’s too hard – no reason to choose
Artificial pine, fir and spruce!
Greens ones, blue ones, silver and red
In the laundry room and ‘round my bed
On every surface and on the floor
I get donations, I still want more!
In my house I’ve got 85 trees
Constant temperature of 85 degrees
Everywhere you look is shiny and bright
Come on in and see my Christmas lights
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10. |
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Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was the center of my lawn décor
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
I couldn’t have loved him more
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was the victim of a serious crime
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was assaulted multiple times
Flaky – you marvelous snowman!
Who could have done this to you?
Flaky, my old friend!
I’ll avenge you soon!
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was deflated on a Saturday morn
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
His plastic fabric was torn
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was patched and returned to his post
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
He’s okay but don’t look close
Flaky – you marvelous snowman!
Who could have done this to you?
Flaky, my old friend!
I’ll avenge you soon!
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was stabbed on a Saturday night
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was left in a pile of white
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
I’ll fix you up with tape and glue
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
I’ve got to keep any eye you
Flaky – you marvelous snowman!
Who could have done this to you?
Flaky, my old friend!
I’ll avenge you soon!
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Stood wobbling in the breeze
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
They brought him to his knees
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
The vandals couldn’t escape
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
The attack was caught on tape
Flaky – you marvelous snowman!
Who could have done this to you?
Flaky, my old friend!
I’ll avenge you soon!
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Was the center of my lawn décor
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
I couldn’t have loved him more
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
Wears patches like badges of pride
Flaky, the inflatable snowman
The attackers were charged and tried
Flaky – you marvelous snowman!
Who could have done this to you?
Flaky, my old friend!
I’ll avenge you soon!
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Monica Mathern Baltimore, Maryland
Independent musician and writer. Writes and performs all songs. Creates album art.
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